Dealing With Difficult Family Members During the Holidays

The holiday season often brings up a complex mix of emotions. For some, it represents joy, connection, and celebration with family and friends. For others, especially survivors of childhood trauma, it may bring feelings of sadness, resentment, anxiety, guilt or loneliness. It might bring up a longing for the picture perfect family holiday that you’ve never had. Maybe your family holidays were okay, but there was always some kind of conflict or tension to dampen the mood and shatter your expectations.

This blog post is for you if you’ve decided that despite the tension and walking on egg shells, you are going to tolerate going home for the holidays (How to make this decision could be a whole blog post on its own!)

This blog post will cover tips for navigating family gatherings that go beyond “set boundaries and practice self care”. While important, at times these tips feel not enough to really help you navigate through these tricky family gatherings. Let’s review some of my favourite practical strategies for how to manage these tricky situations.

Imagine yourself at your family’s dinner table, sat beside your great aunt who is notorious for her fat phobia and diet culture commentary. You’ve been working in therapy to accept your body and disentangle yourself from society’s idea of the ideal body. You think you might make it through dinner without any mishaps, when suddenly, your great aunt says to you, “Do you really think you should be eating that?”

Here is where you have a choice. You can allow those few words to take you out and undo all of the hard work that you have been doing. Or, you can hit your aunt with this question.

“What do you mean by that?”

Said in a genuinely curious way, this is one of my favourite strategies for dealing with these sorts of inappropriate, passive aggressive comments. This questions typically takes the asker by surprise and forces them to think about and explain what they really mean. If your aunt’s comment was asked as a way to shame your body, she is now being forced to spell out her intentions to you and everyone at the table in why she asked this. Typically, not wanting to make themselves look badly in this process, you will receive a grumbling “Oh, nothing” in response. Putting her on the spot may stop her from making future passive aggressive comments to you. These types of people like to stay under the radar. Remember, keep yourself calm and composed while openly and politely confronting your relative.

Remember that your great aunt is trying to upset you with these comments. By having a big reaction to them, you are giving her what she wants. Keeping calm, cool and collected is the best way to keep yourself out of the game she is trying to play.

Now, let’s be clear. This strategy is best used for those passive aggressive comments, those backhanded compliments, and those statements that are sly manipulations that might even slide under the radar of your other, less observant family members. If a family member is verbally or emotionally abusing you, I would not suggest this strategy. Speak with your therapist to make a plan to help keep you safe.

If you’re interested in more tips for dealing with difficult family members over the holidays, click the link below where I cover an additional bonus tip in my video on Instagram Reels.

About the Author

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and the Owner of Cedar Tree Therapy, a psychotherapy practice located in Brooklin, Ontario. Dana uses evidence based treatment modalities to treat anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder and disorder eating and complex family relationships.

How To Make the Most of Your Therapy Session

Do you ever attend your weekly therapy session, eager to have a safe space to express your emotions, only to find that once you're seated across from your therapist, your mind inexplicably goes blank? The weight of the previous week's experiences sits heavily on your shoulders, yet it all feels like a distant blur. Frustration and uncertainty wash over you as you desperately search for the right words to bring up what's truly important to you, in the hopes of making the most of this therapy session. In this blog post, we will explore effective strategies to help you make the most of your therapy session, ensuring that your therapy sessions become a sanctuary of self-expression and genuine progress.

Attending therapy sessions can be a valuable and transformative experience for individuals seeking support for their mental health. Optimizing every therapy session helps to ensure you get the most out of your experience. Whether you're new to therapy or have been attending sessions for a while, the therapists at Cedar Tree Therapy have compiled a list of valuable tips to help you maximize the effectiveness of each session. From preparing yourself mentally to setting goals and actively engaging during the session, these strategies will guide you towards a fulfilling therapeutic journey. So, let's dive in and discover how you can make the most of your therapy sessions.

1. Be Open and Honest: One of the most important factors in therapy is creating a safe and trusting environment. To establish this foundation, it is crucial to be open and honest with your therapist. Being vulnerable is so hard. There is no better place to be vulnerable than in therapy. Share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences without holding back. Remember, therapy is a judgment-free zone where you can freely express yourself.

2. Set Goals: Prior to each session, take some time to reflect on what you hope to achieve or discuss. Setting goals will help you stay focused and make the most of your therapy session. Whether it's working on specific coping techniques or addressing a particular issue, having clear objectives can guide the conversation and make the session more productive. Maybe it’s making sense of childhood trauma. Maybe it’s having a better relationship with your mom. Maybe it’s being able to express yourself and communicate more assertively in your relationship. Have these goals written down so that you’re able to come back to them often. Sharing these with your therapist is really important so that your therapist can be directing your session back to these goals as well. If you’re not sure what your goals might be, this is something that you and your therapist can discuss and work towards together, as well.

3. Come Prepared: It can be helpful to come prepared with any relevant information or topics you want to discuss during the session. Jot down your thoughts, questions, or concerns in advance, so you don't forget anything important. This will ensure that you maximize your time in therapy and address the areas that matter most to you.

4. Be Active and Engaged: Therapy is a collaborative process, and your active participation is key to its success. Engage in the conversation, ask questions, and seek clarification when needed. Remember that therapy is not a passive experience but an opportunity for growth, self-discovery, and skill-building. The more engaged you are, the more you will benefit from the session.

5. Take Notes: Consider bringing a notebook or using a note-taking app during your therapy session. Jotting down important insights, strategies, or homework assignments can help you remember and implement what you've learned outside of therapy. Notes can serve as a reference and reminder of the progress you've made throughout your therapeutic journey.

Keep a journal throughout the week of emotional highs and lows, things that were really exciting or not so great that happened to you. Take note between sessions of things that felt really good and also things that didn’t feel so good like difficult conversations and other emotional lows.

You will learn about several different therapy skills during your time in therapy. Write them down as you learn them and throughout the week record how you used each skill. Share with your therapist how you used each skill. This is important so that you can ensure that you’re using the skills as they’re meant to be used and getting the full understanding of them. Additionally, keeping track of the therapy skills you have learned is really helpful to have as a reference for when you graduate from therapy. You can revisit your journal of skills and refresh your memory to integrate the skills into your life if you feel like you could use a refresher. You can also ask your therapist for a “skill summary” if you have been in therapy for a while already and you’re not sure exactly what skills you have learned.

6. Practice Self-Care: Therapy sessions can sometimes bring up challenging emotions or topics. To support yourself during this process, practice self-care after your sessions. Develop a post-therapy self care ritual, perhaps a post therapy shower, or making and drinking a post therapy tea as you reflect on the session. Taking care of yourself will enhance your resilience and ability to engage fully in therapy.

7. Reflect After Your Sessions: After each session with your therapist, spend some time immediately following session where you write down important things that stuck out to your during the session. Maybe it’s something that your therapist said. Maybe it’s a realization that you came to during session. Take a second after your session with your therapist to write down feelings, thoughts, or anything that comes to mind. This can be really helpful because you can bring these things back to your next session and say, “This really stuck with me from last session, I’d like to explore it further.”

8. Communicate Your Expectations: If you have specific expectations or preferences regarding your therapy sessions, don't hesitate to communicate them to your therapist. Whether it's the frequency of sessions, the therapeutic approach, or any other concern, open and honest communication will help ensure that your needs are met effectively. Your feedback is so valuable and is always welcomed by your therapist.

9. Attend Therapy Consistently: It is crucial to attend therapy consistently in order to maximize its effectiveness. Research has consistently shown that therapy tends to decrease in its efficacy when individuals do not go regularly. Therefore, it is highly recommended to be consistent with your appointments and scheduling to ensure that you are receiving the full benefits of the therapy process. By maintaining a regular attendance, you create a sense of continuity and allow your therapist to properly assess your progress and provide you with the necessary support. So, make it a priority to attend your therapy sessions consistently and reap the maximum benefits from your therapy journey.

Remember, therapy is a gradual and individualized process that requires patience, dedication, and perseverance. It's important to understand that true transformation takes time, and there are no quick fixes when it comes to improving your mental health. By incorporating these practical tips into your daily life and fully engaging in your therapy sessions, you will be able to unlock the full potential therapy has to offer. Remember, each person's mental health journey is unique, so it is essential to approach your therapy with an open mind and a willingness to do the work necessary for lasting change. Through consistent effort and commitment, you will be able to make significant strides in your personal growth and experience an enhanced sense of well-being. So, embrace the process, and believe in yourself, as only you have the power to create positive change and lead a more fulfilling life.

About the Author

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and the Owner of Cedar Tree Therapy, a group psychotherapy practice located in Brooklin, Ontario.

Unhelpful Thinking Styles

Unhelpful thinking styles are ways that our brain processes information that can contribute to feeling badly about ourselves, and add fuel to our shame and anxiety. These styles of thinking are automatic and often occur without our awareness. They filter our thoughts, beliefs, and experiences, leading to biased interpretations and judgments. Unhelpful thinking styles (otherwise known as cognitive distortions) can manifest in various ways, such as black-and-white thinking, overgeneralization, mental filtering, jumping to conclusions, personalization, and catastrophizing to name a few. We will explore each of these in more detail in this blog post. It is important to recognize and challenge these distortions in order to cultivate healthier thought patterns and promote emotional well-being. By understanding our unhelpful thinking styles and discovering ways to address them, we can gain a clearer understanding of ourselves, our emotions, and the world around us. our shame and anxiety.

Learning to name our unhelpful thinking patterns can be a helpful skill that we learn throughout therapy. Naming our thought patterns that are keeping us down is very helpful , we need to notice and name our problematic thinking styles in order to address them . Now, we all experience some of these unhelpful thinking styles from time to time. However if one or more of these ways of thinking are causing problems in your relationships, at school or work, or keeping your mood down , it’s time to address them with a therapist. 

As you read through, notice which unhelpful thinking styles you find yourself getting stuck in. Make a note of it and bring it up with your therapist next session to be able to dive deeper into this.

Black and White Thinking

Seeing things as all or nothing, with no room in between for possibilities.

For example: if I don’t give 100%, I’ve failed.

Mental filter

Only seeing and paying attention to certain types of evidence, mostly negative.

For example: Only seeing the dirty laundry your partner leaves on the ground and not that they emptied the dishwasher. 

Disqualifying the positive

Not taking into consideration any positives of the situation or saying the positives don’t count. 

For example: Receiving lots of positive feedback on a presentation you did but only remembering one critical comment.

Jumping to conclusions

Making assumptions without evidence that they are true. Assuming things are worse than they actually are.

For example: Meeting a new person and thinking they’re going to think i’m weird.

Catastrophizing

Blowing things out of proportion, seeing small problems as a “catastrophe.” 

For example: If I don’t get an A in the course, my life will be over.

Minimization

Shrinking something to seem less important . 

For example: Receiving a compliment on a shirt and saying, “Oh, it’s just a hand me down.”

Emotional reasoning

Using our emotions as facts. 

For example: I feel anxious so something bad must be about to happen.

Shoulding & musting

Using judgemental words (I should, I must) that make us feel guilty or like a failure. 

For example: I should be married with kids at my age. 

Labelling

Assigning labels to ourselves that put us in a box.

For example: I’m lazy because I don’t get up early. 

Personalization

Believing things are your fault for something that wasn’t. 

For example: My boss is in a bad mood, I must have done something to make them mad.

As you go throughout your day, if you find yourself thinking in a way that’s not helpful, see if your thought might fit into any one of the above categories. Notice what story you are telling yourself that might not be true . Changing your thinking patterns IS possible. It takes practice, persistence and a deep dive into it with your therapist. You  spend a lot of time in your mind, let’s make it a nice place to be. 

About the Author

Dana Etherington is the owner of Cedar Tree Therapy, a psychotherapy practice for young adults that is located in Whitby, Ontario.

Body Shame Keeps Us Anxious & Distracted

We aren’t born hating our bodies, however most of us can find something we don’t like about ours.  Toddlers don’t hate their chunky thighs or chubby cheeks. This critical eye in which we view our bodies is something we learn to do. We learn it through small moments. We hear our grandmother compliment our sister’s recent weight loss. Our friend makes a comment while the two of you are out for lunch about how she must order a salad to stick to her diet. In these moments, we are subtly receiving the message that our body needs to live up to the thin ideal, thinner is better, and we must be in constant pursuit to be shrinking our bodies in order to be accepted, or to be viewed as successful or worthy.

We see and hear this type of messaging constantly, more than we might even consciously realize. We start to internalize the message of “your body isn’t good enough” until we think it’s our own voice in our head. It’s not. It's the voice of the body shaming society that we live in. 

Body shame is the intense feeling that there is something wrong with our body the way it is. This can lead to the relentless pursuit to change it or hide it. Body shame causes us to shrink the full expression of ourselves and tells us that our bodies are wrong because we don’t look how we “should”. Body shame can cause isolation, and can cause us to be distrusting of others. We don’t want to get close to others because we are scared of being judged, assessed, evaluated or hurt.

Where Does My Body Shame Come From? 

Your grandmother that compliments other’s weight loss or your friend that talks about their diet, they are not the root cause of your body shame. They are a small part of a much larger picture of generational dieting and diet culture disguised as promoting health that we have absorbed and understood as rules and expectations for how we should look. They haven’t yet begun to challenge and think critically about the systems that contribute to body shame. 

What Can We Do About It? 

We can ditch external rules about food and exercise. When you are hungry, check in with yourself and not a calorie counting app. Move your body because it feels good and lifts your mood, not to close rings. We can let go of external expectations and turn towards internal cues and what feels good to you.

We can have body shame free friends and role models that live in their body without apology, that live with food freedom and don’t let body shame get in their the way. 

When others make comments that perpetuate body shaming, gently explain why it is harmful. We are the people that make up society, so if we would like to change the body shaming ways of society we have to start at the individual level. 

The problem is not your body, the problem is your thoughts about it and the societal messaging we have received that maintains those thoughts. Body shame and living in diet culture keeps you busy, anxious and distracted. Worrying about how you look is a distraction from discovering true self and living freely. If you’d like to explore who you would be and what your life would be like without diet culture and body shame, get in touch with Dana for a 1:1 session.

Author Bio 

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and owner of Cedar Tree Therapy in Whitby, Ontario. Cedar Tree Therapy specializes in treating teens and young adults with anxiety, perfectionism and body image issues. 

www.cedartreetherapy.com

IG: @cedartreetherapy