Attachment theory is a complex and intricate framework that provides profound insights into the way we form bonds with others, how we learn to trust and connect with other humans. This theory helps us unravel the intricate intricacies of trust-building, examining how our experiences shape our ability to rely on others and understand their actions within the context of relationships. Attachment theory helps us understand how our relationships shape us. It shows us how our emotions and connections to others are intertwined, and it gives us tools to understand and navigate those relationships with care, empathy, and personal development.
Our attachment style begins to form with our first relationship— with our primary caregiver. This relationship lays the foundation for how we perceive and engage with others throughout our lives. However, it is not just our interaction with our primary caregiver that shapes our attachment style. The other important relationships we have, such as with our friends and siblings, also play a significant role in its development.
The patterns that occur in these foundational relationships will go on to guide our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in other relationships. For example, if we grew up feeling secure and supported in our primary caregiver relationship, we are more likely to have a secure attachment style in future relationships. On the other hand, if we experienced loss, medical issues, or if our needs were not consistently met, it becomes more challenging for us to develop a secure attachment style.
Additionally, extreme parental stress can also impact our attachment style. When parents are overwhelmed, stressed, or emotionally unavailable, it can create an environment of instability and unpredictability for the child. This uncertainty can lead to a less secure attachment style, as the child learns to cope with unpredictable caregiving.
It's important to recognize the multitude of factors that can influence the development of our attachment style. While our early relationships with our primary caregiver lay the foundation, our interactions with other important individuals in our lives also contribute to how we form attachments. Understanding these factors and their impact on our attachment style can provide valuable insights and guide us in building healthier and more secure relationships in the future.
It is crucial to recognize and acknowledge that our attachment styles can vary depending on the different individuals in our lives. For instance, we might find ourselves securely attached to our spouse, experiencing a deep sense of trust, support, and emotional connection. However, in our relationship with a parent, we might notice feelings of anxiety and apprehension, possibly indicating an anxious attachment style. This highlights the fluidity of our attachment patterns, as they can evolve and transform throughout our journey of personal growth and development. The ability to adapt and modify our attachment style underscores the dynamic nature of our relationships, reinforcing the idea that we are not confined to a single attachment style throughout our lives.
There are 4 attachment styles that might describe how we interact in close relationships:
Securely Attached- A securely attached individual forms trusting relationships. The securely attached individual has a positive sense of self, and is emotionally in-tune with self and others.
Dismissive Attachment - A dismissive individual is likely emotionally guarded and they may fear intimacy. The dismissive individual might place extreme value on their independence and feel that others are lesser than themselves, leading to struggles forming close connections.
Preoccupied Attachment- The preoccupied person seeks reassurance often. They might worry that others don’t value relationships as much as they do, and they tend to have less positive views about themselves.
Fearful Attachment- The fearfully attached person may struggle to trust others and feel that others may hurt them if they get close. This fear will likely result in detaching from relationships and mistrusting others.
Understanding our attachment style can provide valuable insights into how we navigate the complexities of adult relationships. By delving into the intricacies of our attachment patterns, a skilled therapist can skillfully guide us towards healing and ultimately foster the growth of healthier and more fulfilling connections with others. Through their expertise and support, the therapist can help us identify any deep-rooted patterns that may be hindering our ability to form positive relationships, and together, we can embark on a journey towards healing and personal growth.
About the Authour
Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and the owner of Cedar Tree Therapy located in Brooklin, Ontario. She uses DBT and CBT informed interventions to treat anxiety, body image and complex family relationships.