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Managing Perfection

Perfectionism can often feel like a double-edged sword—while striving for high standards can drive success, it can also lead to increased anxiety and self criticism. Our society often praises and rewards perfectionism and sees it as a quality that is highly sought after which makes it difficult to let go of. However, the costs that come with not being able to be flexible in your expectations of yourself are high.

Ultimately, perfectionism ends up lowering your confidence.

Perfection leads to having unreasonable standards that are often difficult or impossible to achieve. If our attempts at being perfect do not allow us to reach this state of perfection that we are aiming for, we become self critical, feel like we can’t do anything right and feel that we are unworthy. The important thing to note here is that we were likely setting ourselves up for failure through having expectations that were never realistic to attain in the first place. In this way, perfectionism sets us up to have lower confidence.

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We often think the picture of perfectionism is being the high achiever, however often times the perfectionist will avoid and simply not try in order to avoid the possibility of failure. At times, our perfectionism shows up in ways that appear to protect us from failure. In day to day life, this could look like procrastination, giving up too soon or before even starting, avoiding situations where failure is possible, and decision making paralysis.

Do any of these statements resonate with you?

  • I need others to like and approve of me.

  • It is not acceptable to make a mistake in my work.

  • I find it hard to remember the things I’ve done well, I remember my failures easily.

  • No matter how hard I try, I feel like I’m not good enough.

  • If I can’t do it perfectly, then there is no point trying.

  • Failing is not an option.

  • I really struggle to receive negative feedback.

  • I avoid doing things that I am not good at.

  • I would rather do it the right way myself than allow others to mess it up.

Managing perfection is crucial for both mental health and overall well-being. Here are several strategies to help you navigate the complexities of perfectionism.

1. Recognize and Challenge Perfectionistic Thoughts

Identify the patterns of thinking that contribute to your perfectionism. Common thoughts include the belief that nothing short of perfection is acceptable or the fear of making mistakes. Challenge these thoughts by questioning their validity. Ask yourself if there is evidence to support these beliefs or if there are alternative viewpoints. This cognitive restructuring can help ease the pressure you place on yourself.

2. Set Realistic Goals

Instead of aiming for perfection, set achievable and specific goals. Break larger tasks into smaller, manageable steps. This will give you a sense of accomplishment as you complete each step, reducing the anxiety associated with trying to achieve an unattainable ideal. One simple goals to set to challenge perfectionism is to challenge yourself to delegate one task to another person and release full control of the outcome.

3. Embrace Imperfection

Accept that imperfections are a natural part of life. Make a conscious effort to engage in activities where the outcome is not as important—such as painting, playing an instrument, or trying a new recipe without strict expectations. Allowing yourself to be imperfect can foster creativity and reduce anxiety.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. When you encounter setbacks or disappointments, remind yourself that everyone struggles and that mistakes are opportunities for growth. Practicing self-compassion can help mitigate feelings of shame associated with perfectionism.

5. Limit Comparison to Others

In our interconnected world, it’s easy to compare ourselves to others. Such comparisons can fuel perfectionistic tendencies and lead to feelings of inadequacy. Focus on your personal progress rather than measuring yourself against others. Remember that each individual’s journey is unique.

6. Establish Healthy Boundaries

Set boundaries about how much time and energy you devote to perfectionistic tendencies. For example, allocate a specific amount of time for completing a task rather than allowing it to consume your entire day. This approach fosters a balance between diligence and self-care.

7. Seek Support

If perfectionism is significantly affecting your mental health, consider seeking support from a therapist. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore the roots of your perfectionism and develop effective coping strategies. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) are effective techniques to address perfectionistic patterns.

Conclusion

Managing perfection is an ongoing process that requires self-awareness and intentionality. By recognizing your tendencies, setting realistic goals, and practicing self-compassion, you can create a healthier relationship with your aspirations. Remember, progress is often more valuable than perfection, and embracing imperfection can lead to a more fulfilling life.

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About the author

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and the owner of Cedar Tree Therapy, a psychotherapy practice located in Brooklin, Ontario. Dana uses evidence based treatment modalities to treat anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), disordered eating and complex family relationships.


Overcoming Low Self Esteem

A Guide to Building Confidence

Low self-esteem can be a challenging hurdle to overcome, impacting various aspects of life from relationships to career ambitions. However, it's important to remember that self-esteem is not a fixed trait; it can be improved with time, effort, and a commitment to inwards reflection. Confidence comes from having a sense of control of our motivation and behaviour as well as a sense of agency in our environment. Confidence is a trust we have in ourselves and our own abilities and skills, that we believe we are able to get through challenges that come our way. Here’s a guide to help you boost your self-confidence and develop a healthier self esteem.

Understanding Self-Esteem

Self-esteem refers to how we perceive and value ourselves. It encompasses our beliefs about our abilities, worth, and potential. Low self-esteem can manifest as feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and even self-loathing, affecting our overall well-being and happiness.

Signs of Low Self-Esteem

Before addressing low self-esteem, it’s crucial to recognize the signs. Common indicators include:

  • Negative self-talk: Constantly criticizing or belittling oneself. Similarly, being overly critical of others is also a sign of low self esteem.

  • Trying to be perfect: Avoiding challenges due to fear of not being good enough.

  • Social withdrawal: Keeping to oneself to avoid judgment or rejection.

  • Perfectionism: Setting unrealistically high standards and being overly critical of oneself when they're not met.

  • Difficulty accepting compliments: Feeling uncomfortable or disbelieving when praised.

Signs of low self esteem differ from person to person. Take a look at some of these signs of low self esteem and ask yourself, are some of my behaviours actually the result of low self esteem?

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Strategies to Improve Self-Esteem

Improving self-esteem is a journey that involves inward reflection and taking a close look at your behaviours, thoughts and feelings. Here are some practical steps to get started:

1. Practice Self-Compassion

Be gentle with yourself. Understand that everyone makes mistakes and faces setbacks. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend facing similar challenges.

2. Challenge Negative Thoughts

Identify negative thoughts and challenge their validity. Ask yourself if there is evidence to support these thoughts or if they are simply self-imposed limitations. Working with a CBT informed therapist will really help you with this process.

3. Set Realistic Goals

Setting achievable goals can provide a sense of accomplishment and boost your confidence. Break larger goals into smaller, manageable steps and celebrate your progress along the way. This helps you to build mastery and not only boosts your self esteem, but your mood as well.

4. Focus on Strengths

Everyone has unique strengths and talents. Make a list of your positive qualities and accomplishments. Reflect on these regularly to remind yourself of your abilities and worth. If you find this process difficult, a good therapist will be able to assist you with identifying your strengths and help you to build off them.

5. Seek Support

Don’t hesitate to reach out for support from a skilled and qualified therapist. Everyone has blind spots in their personality that they may not be aware of. Working with a therapist will help you gain valuable insight on the root cause of your low self esteem, and how to let go of low self esteem moving forward.

6. Engage in Activities You Enjoy

Participating in activities that bring joy and fulfillment can enhance self-esteem and your mood. Whether it's a hobby, sport, or creative outlet, these activities can reinforce a positive self-image. Doing something that you are good at helps you to feel good.

The Importance of Patience

Improving self-esteem is not an overnight process. It requires patience, consistent effort and reflection. Celebrate small victories and be forgiving when setbacks occur. Remember, building self-esteem is a lifelong endeavour, and every step forward is progress.

Low self-esteem doesn’t have to control your life. By understanding and addressing the root causes, practicing self-compassion, and focusing on personal growth, you can cultivate a stronger, more confident self. Embrace the journey of self-discovery and believe in your ability to create a fulfilling and empowered life.

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About the Author

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and the owner of Cedar Tree Therapy, a psychotherapy practice located in Brooklin, Ontario. Dana uses evidence based treatment modalities to treat anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), disordered eating and complex family relationships.