Managing Perfection

Perfectionism can often feel like a double-edged sword—while striving for high standards can drive success, it can also lead to increased anxiety and self criticism. Our society often praises and rewards perfectionism and sees it as a quality that is highly sought after which makes it difficult to let go of. However, the costs that come with not being able to be flexible in your expectations of yourself are high.

Ultimately, perfectionism ends up lowering your confidence.

Perfection leads to having unreasonable standards that are often difficult or impossible to achieve. If our attempts at being perfect do not allow us to reach this state of perfection that we are aiming for, we become self critical, feel like we can’t do anything right and feel that we are unworthy. The important thing to note here is that we were likely setting ourselves up for failure through having expectations that were never realistic to attain in the first place. In this way, perfectionism sets us up to have lower confidence.

We often think the picture of perfectionism is being the high achiever, however often times the perfectionist will avoid and simply not try in order to avoid the possibility of failure. At times, our perfectionism shows up in ways that appear to protect us from failure. In day to day life, this could look like procrastination, giving up too soon or before even starting, avoiding situations where failure is possible, and decision making paralysis.

Do any of these statements resonate with you?

• I need others to like and approve of me.

• It is not acceptable to make a mistake in my work.

• I find it hard to remember the things I’ve done well, I remember my failures easily.

• No matter how hard I try, I feel like I’m not good enough.

• If I can’t do it perfectly, then there is no point trying.

• Failing is not an option.

• I really struggle to receive negative feedback.

• I avoid doing things that I am not good at.

• I would rather do it the right way myself than allow others to mess it up.

Managing perfection is crucial for both mental health and overall well-being. Here are several strategies to help you navigate the complexities of perfectionism.

1. Recognize and Challenge Perfectionistic Thoughts

Identify the patterns of thinking that contribute to your perfectionism. Common thoughts include the belief that nothing short of perfection is acceptable or the fear of making mistakes. Challenge these thoughts by questioning their validity. Ask yourself if there is evidence to support these beliefs or if there are alternative viewpoints. This cognitive restructuring can help ease the pressure you place on yourself.

2. Set Realistic Goals

Instead of aiming for perfection, set achievable and specific goals. Break larger tasks into smaller, manageable steps. This will give you a sense of accomplishment as you complete each step, reducing the anxiety associated with trying to achieve an unattainable ideal. One simple goals to set to challenge perfectionism is to challenge yourself to delegate one task to another person and release full control of the outcome.

3. Embrace Imperfection

Accept that imperfections are a natural part of life. Make a conscious effort to engage in activities where the outcome is not as important—such as painting, playing an instrument, or trying a new recipe without strict expectations. Allowing yourself to be imperfect can foster creativity and reduce anxiety.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend. When you encounter setbacks or disappointments, remind yourself that everyone struggles and that mistakes are opportunities for growth. Practicing self-compassion can help mitigate feelings of shame associated with perfectionism.

5. Limit Comparison to Others

In our interconnected world, it’s easy to compare ourselves to others. Such comparisons can fuel perfectionistic tendencies and lead to feelings of inadequacy. Focus on your personal progress rather than measuring yourself against others. Remember that each individual’s journey is unique.

6. Establish Healthy Boundaries

Set boundaries about how much time and energy you devote to perfectionistic tendencies. For example, allocate a specific amount of time for completing a task rather than allowing it to consume your entire day. This approach fosters a balance between diligence and self-care.

7. Seek Support

If perfectionism is significantly affecting your mental health, consider seeking support from a therapist. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore the roots of your perfectionism and develop effective coping strategies. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) are effective techniques to address perfectionistic patterns.

Conclusion

Managing perfection is an ongoing process that requires self-awareness and intentionality. By recognizing your tendencies, setting realistic goals, and practicing self-compassion, you can create a healthier relationship with your aspirations. Remember, progress is often more valuable than perfection, and embracing imperfection can lead to a more fulfilling life.

About the author

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and the owner of Cedar Tree Therapy, a psychotherapy practice located in Brooklin, Ontario. Dana uses evidence based treatment modalities to treat anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), disordered eating and complex family relationships.

The Vicious Cycles of Depression

Depression is a common mental illness that can severely impact a person’s ability to complete the tasks they need and want to do. It is characterized by persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and a lack of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyable. It can affect how a person thinks, feels, impacting one’s ability to engage in their usual daily tasks. These devastating symptoms of depression can lead to significant impairment in functioning at work, school, at home and in their relationships.

Depression can vary in its intensity and duration, from a short episode to a chronic illness that requires ongoing management. Depression is caused by a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors. Understanding these complexities is essential for effective treatment, which involves psychotherapy, medication, or a combination of both. Early intervention and support are crucial in helping individuals navigate their experiences with depression and interrupt the negative cycles that depression can cause.

Low motivation is a common symptom of depression that can significantly impact daily functioning and overall quality of life. Individuals may experience extreme low energy and motivation, making even simple tasks feel overwhelming or impossible. This lack of motivation often leads to disengagement from activities that were once enjoyable to the person, contributing to a cycle of isolation and worsening mood. People may struggle to initiate or complete everyday responsibilities, such as tasks at work or school, engaging in basic social interactions, or struggle with completing simple self-care and hygiene tasks, which can make feelings of worthlessness or guilt worse.

One of the most impactful symptoms of depression is that change that occurs in a person’s behaviour. With low mood, comes decreases to one’s activity level. These changes can have profound impacts and change the person who was once active, engaged and upbeat to someone who is isolated, withdrawn and struggles to take care of themselves.

A vicious cycle is created when these feelings of low motivation and fatigue are paired with decreased activity levels. As your activity level decreases, you start to stop doing the things you once loved and enjoyed, leading to fewer opportunities to experience positive emotions. This, in turn, perpetuates the feelings of depression, allowing the depression to persist and be maintained.

Physical symptoms of depression, such as fatigue and disrupted sleep patterns, also play a significant role. Lack of energy can reduce motivation to engage in self-care or seek help, while poor sleep can worsen mood and clear thinking ability. As a result, individuals may find it increasingly difficult to break out of the cycle. Additionally, people with depression may experience difficulty concentrating or making decisions, leading to decreased productivity at work or school. This decline can trigger feelings of inadequacy or failure, reinforcing negative thought patterns and perpetuating the cycle.

Depression often creates vicious cycles of inactivity that make the person’s mood worse and prolong recovery. One aspect of the treatment of depression that is critical is addressing and interrupting this cycle through increasing activity levels. This evidence based treatment for depression is called Behaviour Activation and comes from the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy model. When we engage in activities that are pleasurable, it increases our chances of experiencing positive emotions, allowing for increased motivation, confidence and energy. This is one of the ways to break out of the vicious cycle of depression.

Understanding these vicious cycles is crucial for addressing depression effectively. Therapy interventions for depression, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), can help individuals identify and challenge negative thoughts, interrupt the vicious cycles of depression, and gradually re-engage in life again.

About the Author

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and the Owner of Cedar Tree Therapy, a group psychotherapy practice located in Brooklin, Ontario. Dana used cognitive behavioural therapy along with other evidence based treatment modalities to treat anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and disorder eating.

Taylor's Pregnancy & Postpartum Story

Taylor is a summer student with Cedar Tree Therapy, currently in the Social Service Worker Program at Durham College. She graciously offered to share her story of becoming a new mother in the hopes that it may help someone. A step mom to two children and new mom to her own baby in her early 20’s, Taylor shares her thoughts on seeking out therapy, the overwhelm of motherhood, and postpartum body image struggles.

My journey as a first-time young mom is probably not very conventional. Firstly, it was completely planned with my partner with whom I had only been with for a few months at the time and secondly, I was lucky enough to have it happen so fast I didn’t even have much time to prepare mentally for the journey I was about to undertake.

Not only was I about to be a mother, but I was already playing the role of stepmom to my partner’s two children at 24 years old, “0 to 3” as I like to say! I wasn’t prepared for any of it if I’m being completely honest. All I knew was that I was going to spend the rest of my life with my partner and everything that came with it.

The hormones took me by surprise at first, being that I was the first in my family and first of all of my friends to have a baby, my mom was the only one that could give me any real advice. My moods were so unpredictable, and my anxiety became increasingly worse during the second trimester. With both my partner and I working shift work and having no set schedule with my step-children things were starting to weigh heavy on my mind. What would we do for day-care?Would we have any time left for our relationship? Our off-days with the kids will turn to on-days all the time!

Once our beautiful “ours baby” came into the world my anxiety took a back seat for a little while. Although it was the toughest thing I had ever done in my life, it was so incredibly empowering, rewarding and my favourite experience I’ve ever had with my partner. Arriving back home however, I think that’s where a lot of the anxiety starts for most new mothers. I was very lucky to have my partner, he was the primary caregiver when it came to his own children and had far more experience than most dads. He’d laugh when I’d say “Ok what do I do now!” when it was something that came like second nature to him. It seemed crazy to me that for most new parents they were just expected to take this tiny little human home with them and figure it all out as they went.

When it came to my anxiety, a lot of it stemmed from wanting to be back to my old self so quickly. I was lucky enough to be very active my entire pregnancy my partner often commented that it didn’t even seem like I was pregnant if it weren’t for the beachball on my belly. Waddling around the house in a diaper, however was not something that I had planned on. Whether it’s my age, or just on the society we live in as a whole I felt the pressures of the “snap back” culture. My belly was squashy, and instead of being proud of what my body had just done I was way too concerned with getting back to the way it was before. I was learning to breastfeed around the clock and was completely sleep deprived. There’s a saying “sleep when the baby sleeps!” but it was a little unrealistic as I had a two- and eight-year-old running around the house as well as foolishly trying to complete 6 college courses with a new-born. I was in over my head.

Although I never struggled with postpartum myself, it quickly became apparent to me why so many mothers suffer with their mental health during the months following giving birth. You wake up, someone needs you. Didn’t snap back fast enough? They’re judging you. Bath time. Dinner time. Laundry, again. It never actually ends.

Is it really a surprise we as new mothers are struggling with our mental health? We’re completely neglecting our own needs and feel we just do not have time to make ourselves a priority anymore! Some mothers feel they need to dedicate 100% of their time to their family, but if we’re not taking care of ourselves, we’re not being the best versions of ourselves and therefore not showing up for our family in the best way we’re capable of. My advice? ASK FOR HELP! I enjoy getting my hair and nails done, and just because I’m a mom now, doesn’t mean that has to become a thing of the past. I plan time for myself in advance and ask my partner or family for help. Sometimes even just having a mommy day on the calendar that month reminds me that I am just as important as all of our other 100 to-do’s on there too!

For me, the hardest part was learning to be a new mother while learning to be a stepmother. Basically, when you’re a stepmom, you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. If you’re acting like their mom, you’re over-stepping, and if you’re not, you don’t care enough. Now try to juggle the complexities of parenting with your partners ex, when you and your partner would like to raise the kids a certain way but have no control over what the kids are doing or not doing half of the time. When you’re a new mom you have hopes and dreams about the person your child will become and what kind of household you want your baby to grow up in. A blended family means that your child cannot be promised to spend Christmas morning with their siblings or have regular Thanksgiving traditions because half the family is not home for it. This is something I am struggling with and quite honestly, I can’t confidently say I’ve come to terms with the idea of it. In one breath, all I want is a normal family that can have these things but in the other, I would not have this beautiful family if that was the case.

The thought of going back to work gave me severe anxiety. I was losing sleep worrying about who I was going to leave my perfect baby boy in the hands of. Due to the custody arrangement between my stepchildren and their mother, my partner and I do not get to choose where we live. This means we do not get to live close to my family and ultimately do not get those benefits of having their help for things like child-care. Not only did I move away from my family, but ultimately, I moved away from all of my friends and my life as I once knew it. There were so many changes taking place at once. How was this fair? Why does my baby have to go to daycare because of where your ex chooses to live? These thoughts would keep me up at night and I knew something needed to be done about it before this resentment carried onto my partner.

I once thought that therapy was reserved for those who have been through some type of trauma. It wasn’t until I was completely overwhelmed and in over my head that I thought to myself, ok what have I got to lose? I started looking for resources to help me and stumbled upon a couple podcasts and blogs that led me to a really awesome stepmom community. What a lot of these women had in common was their advocacy on therapy and seeking mental health support. After my first session, my body felt lighter. The relief I felt was so intense, I’d actually have to take a shower following my sessions because of how badly my body was sweating! I had realized that talking about my emotions instead of keeping them to myself felt invigorating. By saying things out loud, I was making connections to feelings and behaviours and relating it back to how I had been living my life. I learned that therapy is not only for those who have suffered trauma, it’s for those who want to be the best versions of themselves.

The thought of being selfish is often a fear most new mothers have when it comes to the idea of making their mental health a priority. I want to tell you that it’s ok to be “selfish” sometimes if that means taking care of yourself. I’m not a professional, I’m honestly not even that experienced but what I am, is real. I’m a real mom, who falls short from being perfect every single day. I’m going to keep getting disappointed when it comes to my co-parenting dynamic with my partners ex, and I’m going to get too overwhelmed with being a mom, a stepmom and a wife from time to time, but that’s ok. Working on ourselves is not a job that can be completed because we’re constantly evolving, changing and hopefully growing! When you make a mistake, learn from it instead of beating yourself up. Recognize your own triggers and work on being proactive instead of being reactive. Lean on your support system when you need them and celebrate the small victory’s when you can. You’re doing great mama, you got this.

Fostering healthy body image

Perhaps you’ve noticed that you teen is overly critical of their body, and is making attempts to hide how they look. Bringing up your concerns with your teen’s body image can be a tense topic. This post is aimed at helping parents discuss the challenging topic of body image with their teens. This conversation can be important for all young people who are learning how to love their bodies as they change and grow. It is especially important if you suspect that your teen is struggling with body image and self esteem. 

Start the conversation with validation. Create an atmosphere of safety and openness by telling them they are not alone in what they are feeling. 

You could say something like:

“ It’s normal to have some bad body image days, some days where you don't feel so comfortable in your body.” 

Go on to say: 

“It's important that you know that your worth isn’t determined by your appearance. Regardless of how you look, you are still worthy of people’s time, attention and respect. I hear that you would like to have the “perfect” body. What I think you might mean is that you would like to feel comfortable in your body. We can feel comfortable in our bodies regardless of their shape or size. Your body is not something to feel shame or guilt about, your body does so much for you and serves you in so many ways.” 

The conversation can be concluded by reinforcing the teen’s own unique qualities and strengths that are not related to appearance. 

You can encourage your teen to try out the following practical strategies if they are struggling with body image. 

• Stop comparing. As hard as it may be, resist the urge to compare yourself to others.

• Unfollow social media accounts that lead you to not feel good about your body. Any accounts promoting potentially harmful behaviours or products don't need your attention.

There are some do’s and don’ts for promoting positive body image with our teenage children. As a parent, don’t comment on a stranger's body, your own body or your teen’s body. Even if you are making a compliment, remain neutral about bodies.
Lastly, the most important tip of all — model positive body image. Teens absorb so much about how they feel about their body from how parents feel about theirs. Remove all “diet” language from the family conversations. Modelling acceptance of your own body will help your teen with acceptance of theirs.

 Author Bio

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and is the owner of Cedar Tree Therapy.  Cedar Tree Therapy is a psychotherapy practice that serves clients 13 and up all across Ontario with anxiety and body image challenges. Dana’s eating disorder experience comes from working in adolescent residential eating disorders treatment centres.