Dealing With Difficult Family Members During the Holidays

The holiday season often brings up a complex mix of emotions. For some, it represents joy, connection, and celebration with family and friends. For others, especially survivors of childhood trauma, it may bring feelings of sadness, resentment, anxiety, guilt or loneliness. It might bring up a longing for the picture perfect family holiday that you’ve never had. Maybe your family holidays were okay, but there was always some kind of conflict or tension to dampen the mood and shatter your expectations.

This blog post is for you if you’ve decided that despite the tension and walking on egg shells, you are going to tolerate going home for the holidays (How to make this decision could be a whole blog post on its own!)

This blog post will cover tips for navigating family gatherings that go beyond “set boundaries and practice self care”. While important, at times these tips feel not enough to really help you navigate through these tricky family gatherings. Let’s review some of my favourite practical strategies for how to manage these tricky situations.

Imagine yourself at your family’s dinner table, sat beside your great aunt who is notorious for her fat phobia and diet culture commentary. You’ve been working in therapy to accept your body and disentangle yourself from society’s idea of the ideal body. You think you might make it through dinner without any mishaps, when suddenly, your great aunt says to you, “Do you really think you should be eating that?”

Here is where you have a choice. You can allow those few words to take you out and undo all of the hard work that you have been doing. Or, you can hit your aunt with this question.

“What do you mean by that?”

Said in a genuinely curious way, this is one of my favourite strategies for dealing with these sorts of inappropriate, passive aggressive comments. This questions typically takes the asker by surprise and forces them to think about and explain what they really mean. If your aunt’s comment was asked as a way to shame your body, she is now being forced to spell out her intentions to you and everyone at the table in why she asked this. Typically, not wanting to make themselves look badly in this process, you will receive a grumbling “Oh, nothing” in response. Putting her on the spot may stop her from making future passive aggressive comments to you. These types of people like to stay under the radar. Remember, keep yourself calm and composed while openly and politely confronting your relative.

Remember that your great aunt is trying to upset you with these comments. By having a big reaction to them, you are giving her what she wants. Keeping calm, cool and collected is the best way to keep yourself out of the game she is trying to play.

Now, let’s be clear. This strategy is best used for those passive aggressive comments, those backhanded compliments, and those statements that are sly manipulations that might even slide under the radar of your other, less observant family members. If a family member is verbally or emotionally abusing you, I would not suggest this strategy. Speak with your therapist to make a plan to help keep you safe.

If you’re interested in more tips for dealing with difficult family members over the holidays, click the link below where I cover an additional bonus tip in my video on Instagram Reels.

About the Author

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and the Owner of Cedar Tree Therapy, a psychotherapy practice located in Brooklin, Ontario. Dana uses evidence based treatment modalities to treat anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder and disorder eating and complex family relationships.

Mental Health Tips for Daylight Savings Time

Do you struggle during the winter months?

As the days grow shorter and the chilly winter months approach, many individuals experience a noticeable impact on their mental health. The lack of sunlight, colder temperatures, and limited outdoor activities can take a toll on our mood and overall mental health. However, there are several effective strategies to navigate through the dark winter months and manage your mental health effectively.

Here are some tips that can help:

1. Embrace natural light exposure: Maximize your exposure to natural light as much as possible. Open the curtains during daylight hours, sit near windows, and consider investing in a light therapy lamp that simulates natural sunlight. Light therapy can help regulate your circadian rhythm, boost your mood, and alleviate symptoms of seasonal affective disorder (SAD). The lights used for light therapy, known as Happy Lights or SAD lamps have become much more widely available and can be found easily at Costco or on Amazon.

2. Stay Physically Active: Engaging in regular physical activity has been proven to improve mental health. Exercise releases endorphins and helps combat stress and anxiety. One option is to embrace indoor exercise. There are so many options for indoor exercise, such as home workouts on Youtube or workout apps. Alternatively, don’t let the weather change your habits. Although walking when it is cold and cloudy may not be as enjoyable, it still provides the same mental health benefits. Bundle up and take a brisk walk outside.

3. Maintain a routine: Establish a consistent daily routine that includes regular sleep patterns and structured activities. Structure and routine can alleviate feelings of restlessness and contribute to an overall sense of stability during dark winter months. When the darker months arrive, keep as close to your typical routine as you can.
4. Prioritize self-care: Dedicate time for self-care activities that promote relaxation and stress reduction. Engage in activities you enjoy, such as reading, journaling, taking baths, or practicing mindfulness and meditation. Listening to calming music or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy can also enhance your mood and general well-being. The winter months are difficult. Bring some enjoyment to them through creating a cozy environment to read or journal in.
5. Connect with others: Social support is crucial for mental health, especially during challenging seasons. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups and schedule regular virtual meetups or phone calls. Engaging in meaningful conversations and maintaining social connections can help combat feelings of loneliness and isolation. Join a group activity one day a week to fill up your social cup and keep you busy after dark so you aren’t tempted to isolate.
6. Eat a balanced diet: Nourishing your body with nutritious foods can have a positive impact on your mental health. Take time to cook the foods you enjoy. Savour your favourite treats for enjoyment. Food not only nourishes your body, but your brain too.
7. Practice good sleep hygiene: Adequate sleep is essential for good mental health. It is very difficult to feel mentally well when you haven’t slept well. Establish a nighttime routine that promotes restful sleep, such as avoiding caffeine and screens before bed, creating a calm sleep environment, and practicing relaxation techniques like deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation.
8. Schedule a therapy session: If the symptoms of dark winter impact your daily life significantly or persist for an extended period, consider scheduling a therapy session. We can provide support and guidance tailored to your specific needs.

Remember, managing your mental health during the dark winter months requires a proactive and well rounded approach. Implementing these tips can help alleviate symptoms of seasonal affective disorder, boost your mood, and enhance your overall well-being. With proper self-care and support, you can navigate the winter season with resilience and maintain optimal mental health.

About the Author

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and the Owner of Cedar Tree Therapy, a group psychotherapy practice located in Brooklin, Ontario. Dana uses evidence based treatment modalities to treat anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and disorder eating.

Body Shame Keeps Us Anxious & Distracted

We aren’t born hating our bodies, however most of us can find something we don’t like about ours.  Toddlers don’t hate their chunky thighs or chubby cheeks. This critical eye in which we view our bodies is something we learn to do. We learn it through small moments. We hear our grandmother compliment our sister’s recent weight loss. Our friend makes a comment while the two of you are out for lunch about how she must order a salad to stick to her diet. In these moments, we are subtly receiving the message that our body needs to live up to the thin ideal, thinner is better, and we must be in constant pursuit to be shrinking our bodies in order to be accepted, or to be viewed as successful or worthy.

We see and hear this type of messaging constantly, more than we might even consciously realize. We start to internalize the message of “your body isn’t good enough” until we think it’s our own voice in our head. It’s not. It's the voice of the body shaming society that we live in. 

Body shame is the intense feeling that there is something wrong with our body the way it is. This can lead to the relentless pursuit to change it or hide it. Body shame causes us to shrink the full expression of ourselves and tells us that our bodies are wrong because we don’t look how we “should”. Body shame can cause isolation, and can cause us to be distrusting of others. We don’t want to get close to others because we are scared of being judged, assessed, evaluated or hurt.

Where Does My Body Shame Come From? 

Your grandmother that compliments other’s weight loss or your friend that talks about their diet, they are not the root cause of your body shame. They are a small part of a much larger picture of generational dieting and diet culture disguised as promoting health that we have absorbed and understood as rules and expectations for how we should look. They haven’t yet begun to challenge and think critically about the systems that contribute to body shame. 

What Can We Do About It? 

We can ditch external rules about food and exercise. When you are hungry, check in with yourself and not a calorie counting app. Move your body because it feels good and lifts your mood, not to close rings. We can let go of external expectations and turn towards internal cues and what feels good to you.

We can have body shame free friends and role models that live in their body without apology, that live with food freedom and don’t let body shame get in their the way. 

When others make comments that perpetuate body shaming, gently explain why it is harmful. We are the people that make up society, so if we would like to change the body shaming ways of society we have to start at the individual level. 

The problem is not your body, the problem is your thoughts about it and the societal messaging we have received that maintains those thoughts. Body shame and living in diet culture keeps you busy, anxious and distracted. Worrying about how you look is a distraction from discovering true self and living freely. If you’d like to explore who you would be and what your life would be like without diet culture and body shame, get in touch with Dana for a 1:1 session.

Author Bio 

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and owner of Cedar Tree Therapy in Whitby, Ontario. Cedar Tree Therapy specializes in treating teens and young adults with anxiety, perfectionism and body image issues. 

www.cedartreetherapy.com

IG: @cedartreetherapy