Dealing With Difficult Family Members During the Holidays

The holiday season often brings up a complex mix of emotions. For some, it represents joy, connection, and celebration with family and friends. For others, especially survivors of childhood trauma, it may bring feelings of sadness, resentment, anxiety, guilt or loneliness. It might bring up a longing for the picture perfect family holiday that you’ve never had. Maybe your family holidays were okay, but there was always some kind of conflict or tension to dampen the mood and shatter your expectations.

This blog post is for you if you’ve decided that despite the tension and walking on egg shells, you are going to tolerate going home for the holidays (How to make this decision could be a whole blog post on its own!)

This blog post will cover tips for navigating family gatherings that go beyond “set boundaries and practice self care”. While important, at times these tips feel not enough to really help you navigate through these tricky family gatherings. Let’s review some of my favourite practical strategies for how to manage these tricky situations.

Imagine yourself at your family’s dinner table, sat beside your great aunt who is notorious for her fat phobia and diet culture commentary. You’ve been working in therapy to accept your body and disentangle yourself from society’s idea of the ideal body. You think you might make it through dinner without any mishaps, when suddenly, your great aunt says to you, “Do you really think you should be eating that?”

Here is where you have a choice. You can allow those few words to take you out and undo all of the hard work that you have been doing. Or, you can hit your aunt with this question.

“What do you mean by that?”

Said in a genuinely curious way, this is one of my favourite strategies for dealing with these sorts of inappropriate, passive aggressive comments. This questions typically takes the asker by surprise and forces them to think about and explain what they really mean. If your aunt’s comment was asked as a way to shame your body, she is now being forced to spell out her intentions to you and everyone at the table in why she asked this. Typically, not wanting to make themselves look badly in this process, you will receive a grumbling “Oh, nothing” in response. Putting her on the spot may stop her from making future passive aggressive comments to you. These types of people like to stay under the radar. Remember, keep yourself calm and composed while openly and politely confronting your relative.

Remember that your great aunt is trying to upset you with these comments. By having a big reaction to them, you are giving her what she wants. Keeping calm, cool and collected is the best way to keep yourself out of the game she is trying to play.

Now, let’s be clear. This strategy is best used for those passive aggressive comments, those backhanded compliments, and those statements that are sly manipulations that might even slide under the radar of your other, less observant family members. If a family member is verbally or emotionally abusing you, I would not suggest this strategy. Speak with your therapist to make a plan to help keep you safe.

If you’re interested in more tips for dealing with difficult family members over the holidays, click the link below where I cover an additional bonus tip in my video on Instagram Reels.

About the Author

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and the Owner of Cedar Tree Therapy, a psychotherapy practice located in Brooklin, Ontario. Dana uses evidence based treatment modalities to treat anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder and disorder eating and complex family relationships.

Mental Health Tips for Daylight Savings Time

Do you struggle during the winter months?

As the days grow shorter and the chilly winter months approach, many individuals experience a noticeable impact on their mental health. The lack of sunlight, colder temperatures, and limited outdoor activities can take a toll on our mood and overall mental health. However, there are several effective strategies to navigate through the dark winter months and manage your mental health effectively.

Here are some tips that can help:

1. Embrace natural light exposure: Maximize your exposure to natural light as much as possible. Open the curtains during daylight hours, sit near windows, and consider investing in a light therapy lamp that simulates natural sunlight. Light therapy can help regulate your circadian rhythm, boost your mood, and alleviate symptoms of seasonal affective disorder (SAD). The lights used for light therapy, known as Happy Lights or SAD lamps have become much more widely available and can be found easily at Costco or on Amazon.

2. Stay Physically Active: Engaging in regular physical activity has been proven to improve mental health. Exercise releases endorphins and helps combat stress and anxiety. One option is to embrace indoor exercise. There are so many options for indoor exercise, such as home workouts on Youtube or workout apps. Alternatively, don’t let the weather change your habits. Although walking when it is cold and cloudy may not be as enjoyable, it still provides the same mental health benefits. Bundle up and take a brisk walk outside.

3. Maintain a routine: Establish a consistent daily routine that includes regular sleep patterns and structured activities. Structure and routine can alleviate feelings of restlessness and contribute to an overall sense of stability during dark winter months. When the darker months arrive, keep as close to your typical routine as you can.
4. Prioritize self-care: Dedicate time for self-care activities that promote relaxation and stress reduction. Engage in activities you enjoy, such as reading, journaling, taking baths, or practicing mindfulness and meditation. Listening to calming music or engaging in hobbies that bring you joy can also enhance your mood and general well-being. The winter months are difficult. Bring some enjoyment to them through creating a cozy environment to read or journal in.
5. Connect with others: Social support is crucial for mental health, especially during challenging seasons. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups and schedule regular virtual meetups or phone calls. Engaging in meaningful conversations and maintaining social connections can help combat feelings of loneliness and isolation. Join a group activity one day a week to fill up your social cup and keep you busy after dark so you aren’t tempted to isolate.
6. Eat a balanced diet: Nourishing your body with nutritious foods can have a positive impact on your mental health. Take time to cook the foods you enjoy. Savour your favourite treats for enjoyment. Food not only nourishes your body, but your brain too.
7. Practice good sleep hygiene: Adequate sleep is essential for good mental health. It is very difficult to feel mentally well when you haven’t slept well. Establish a nighttime routine that promotes restful sleep, such as avoiding caffeine and screens before bed, creating a calm sleep environment, and practicing relaxation techniques like deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation.
8. Schedule a therapy session: If the symptoms of dark winter impact your daily life significantly or persist for an extended period, consider scheduling a therapy session. We can provide support and guidance tailored to your specific needs.

Remember, managing your mental health during the dark winter months requires a proactive and well rounded approach. Implementing these tips can help alleviate symptoms of seasonal affective disorder, boost your mood, and enhance your overall well-being. With proper self-care and support, you can navigate the winter season with resilience and maintain optimal mental health.

About the Author

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and the Owner of Cedar Tree Therapy, a group psychotherapy practice located in Brooklin, Ontario. Dana uses evidence based treatment modalities to treat anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and disorder eating.

Therapy For Anxiety

Should I get help for my anxiety?

Anxiety can significantly impact your daily life, affecting relationships, work, and overall well-being. Seeking help for anxiety is beneficial for several reasons. One of the biggest issues with anxiety is the avoidance behaviours that it leads to.

Cycle of Avoidance and Anxiety

The cycle of avoidance and anxiety is a common pattern that many individuals experience. It begins with an initial feeling of anxiety triggered by a particular situation, thought, or event.

As anxiety intensifies, the individual may engage in avoidance behaviours. Avoidance acts as a temporary relief strategy, allowing the person to escape the anxiety-provoking situation. For example, someone might skip social gatherings to avoid feelings of panic or embarrassment. While avoidance can provide immediate respite from anxiety, it ultimately reinforces the original anxiety and leads to long term anxiety growth.

Each time an individual avoids a situation, their belief that the situation is indeed threatening becomes strengthened. This reinforcement creates a feedback loop: anxiety leads to avoidance, which in turn increases anxiety over time. As a result, individuals may find their world shrinking, limiting opportunities for social engagement or personal growth.

Breaking this cycle often requires intentional therapy interventions. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is particularly effective, as it helps individuals confront their fears gradually. By recognizing and challenging irrational thoughts, individuals can reduce their anxiety levels. Additionally, exposure therapy techniques can be employed, where a person is gradually exposed to their fears in a controlled manner, with the support of a therapist.

It's crucial to acknowledge that while the cycle of avoidance and anxiety can feel overwhelming, there are effective therapeutic strategies available to help individuals regain control. By taking proactive steps towards facing their fears, individuals can begin to disrupt the cycle and foster resilience.

Anxiety and avoidance are often best friends. Living with anxiety typically means avoiding many of the things that make us anxious, leading to our world shrinking over time. Going to therapy can help can facilitate a deeper understanding of your anxiety, allowing you to manage symptoms more effectively and enhance your overall quality of life.

Going to therapy for your anxiety can help you develop effective coping strategies. Therapists at Cedar Tree Therapy are experts in arming you with various coping mechanisms, including cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) strategies and dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) strategies to name a few. These strategies can assist you in navigating challenging situations, no longer avoid what makes you anxious, and helps to reduce your anxiety levels over time.

Engaging in therapy for your anxiety can help you to get to know yourself on a deeper level. Therapy provides a safe space to explore the specific triggers of your anxiety. This exploration helps you develop personalized strategies to address and mitigate these triggers' impact.

Therapy offers a judgment-free zone where you can express your feelings and experiences openly. This supportive environment fosters a sense of understanding and connection. The relationship you develop with your therapist can be an incredibly corrective and healing experience, and can allow you to learn that it is safe to trust others again. By understanding and managing your anxiety, you can improve your interactions with others, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

When left untreated, anxiety can escalate into more severe mental health issues. Early intervention is crucial to prevent these potential complications.

Many individuals experience anxiety, yet many people struggle to reach out for help. You don’t have to go it alone. Recognizing that we all experience mental health challenges from time to time can empower you to take proactive steps towards your well-being.

Treatment For Anxiety

Seeking therapy for anxiety is a proactive step towards reclaiming control over your life. Engaging with a therapist can be a transformative experience, providing the tools needed to manage anxiety effectively and lead a fulfilling life. At Cedar Tree Therapy, treatment for anxiety typically involves a combination of therapeutic approaches tailored to the individual's needs. Common methods include:

1. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT): CBT is considered the gold standard treatment for anxiety at this time. This approach focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns and behaviours that contribute to anxiety. CBT operates on the principle that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours are interconnected, and by altering negative thought patterns, we can decrease anxiety and improve our emotional well-being.

2. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT): Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a therapeutic approach that is increasingly used for treating anxiety. ACT aims to help individuals build psychological flexibility, which is the ability to remain open to experiences, including negative emotions, while actively pursuing valued actions. This shift from avoidance to acceptance can significantly improve one’s ability to cope with anxiety, enabling clients to lead more fulfilling lives.

3. Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT): Originally designed for the treatment of borderline personality disorder, DBT is effective for anxiety as well. DBT offers mindfulness skills, distress tolerance, emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness skills. DBT has been shown to significantly reduce symptoms of anxiety, improve emotional regulation, and enhance overall functioning in clients. By incorporating mindfulness and distress tolerance techniques, individuals can develop resilience against anxiety, allowing them to face challenges with greater confidence.

4. Exposure & Response Prevention Therapy (ERP): A subset of CBT, exposure therapy involves gradual exposure to feared situations or stimuli in a controlled manner. Gradual exposure to anxiety-provoking situations is a critical element of CBT. Clients confront these situations in a controlled manner, allowing them to build tolerance and reduce fear over time. This helps reduce avoidance behaviors and desensitize individuals to their anxiety triggers. This form of therapy is the gold standard in treatment for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

5. Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques: A wonderful addition to the therapy models above, these include practices such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, and progressive muscle relaxation. They help promote relaxation and reduce the physiological symptoms of anxiety.

6. Medication: In some cases, medication may be prescribed alongside therapy. Common options include antidepressants like selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) or anti-anxiety medications like benzodiazepines, depending on the severity and duration of anxiety symptoms.

7. Lifestyle Modifications: Encouraging lifestyle choices that support your mental health, such as regular exercise, a balanced diet, adequate sleep, and reducing caffeine and alcohol intake, can significantly impact anxiety management.

Each client’s treatment plan is personalized, taking into account the individual’s specific experiences and preferences, ensuring the most effective approach to manage anxiety. If you think you might benefit from having more control over your anxiety, do not hesitate to reach out to Cedar Tree Therapy and book a free 15 minute consultation.

About the Author

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and the Owner of Cedar Tree Therapy, a group psychotherapy practice located in Brooklin, Ontario. Dana uses cognitive behavioural therapy along with other evidence based treatment modalities to treat anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and disorder eating.

How To Make the Most of Your Therapy Session

Do you ever attend your weekly therapy session, eager to have a safe space to express your emotions, only to find that once you're seated across from your therapist, your mind inexplicably goes blank? The weight of the previous week's experiences sits heavily on your shoulders, yet it all feels like a distant blur. Frustration and uncertainty wash over you as you desperately search for the right words to bring up what's truly important to you, in the hopes of making the most of this therapy session. In this blog post, we will explore effective strategies to help you make the most of your therapy session, ensuring that your therapy sessions become a sanctuary of self-expression and genuine progress.

Attending therapy sessions can be a valuable and transformative experience for individuals seeking support for their mental health. Optimizing every therapy session helps to ensure you get the most out of your experience. Whether you're new to therapy or have been attending sessions for a while, the therapists at Cedar Tree Therapy have compiled a list of valuable tips to help you maximize the effectiveness of each session. From preparing yourself mentally to setting goals and actively engaging during the session, these strategies will guide you towards a fulfilling therapeutic journey. So, let's dive in and discover how you can make the most of your therapy sessions.

1. Be Open and Honest: One of the most important factors in therapy is creating a safe and trusting environment. To establish this foundation, it is crucial to be open and honest with your therapist. Being vulnerable is so hard. There is no better place to be vulnerable than in therapy. Share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences without holding back. Remember, therapy is a judgment-free zone where you can freely express yourself.

2. Set Goals: Prior to each session, take some time to reflect on what you hope to achieve or discuss. Setting goals will help you stay focused and make the most of your therapy session. Whether it's working on specific coping techniques or addressing a particular issue, having clear objectives can guide the conversation and make the session more productive. Maybe it’s making sense of childhood trauma. Maybe it’s having a better relationship with your mom. Maybe it’s being able to express yourself and communicate more assertively in your relationship. Have these goals written down so that you’re able to come back to them often. Sharing these with your therapist is really important so that your therapist can be directing your session back to these goals as well. If you’re not sure what your goals might be, this is something that you and your therapist can discuss and work towards together, as well.

3. Come Prepared: It can be helpful to come prepared with any relevant information or topics you want to discuss during the session. Jot down your thoughts, questions, or concerns in advance, so you don't forget anything important. This will ensure that you maximize your time in therapy and address the areas that matter most to you.

4. Be Active and Engaged: Therapy is a collaborative process, and your active participation is key to its success. Engage in the conversation, ask questions, and seek clarification when needed. Remember that therapy is not a passive experience but an opportunity for growth, self-discovery, and skill-building. The more engaged you are, the more you will benefit from the session.

5. Take Notes: Consider bringing a notebook or using a note-taking app during your therapy session. Jotting down important insights, strategies, or homework assignments can help you remember and implement what you've learned outside of therapy. Notes can serve as a reference and reminder of the progress you've made throughout your therapeutic journey.

Keep a journal throughout the week of emotional highs and lows, things that were really exciting or not so great that happened to you. Take note between sessions of things that felt really good and also things that didn’t feel so good like difficult conversations and other emotional lows.

You will learn about several different therapy skills during your time in therapy. Write them down as you learn them and throughout the week record how you used each skill. Share with your therapist how you used each skill. This is important so that you can ensure that you’re using the skills as they’re meant to be used and getting the full understanding of them. Additionally, keeping track of the therapy skills you have learned is really helpful to have as a reference for when you graduate from therapy. You can revisit your journal of skills and refresh your memory to integrate the skills into your life if you feel like you could use a refresher. You can also ask your therapist for a “skill summary” if you have been in therapy for a while already and you’re not sure exactly what skills you have learned.

6. Practice Self-Care: Therapy sessions can sometimes bring up challenging emotions or topics. To support yourself during this process, practice self-care after your sessions. Develop a post-therapy self care ritual, perhaps a post therapy shower, or making and drinking a post therapy tea as you reflect on the session. Taking care of yourself will enhance your resilience and ability to engage fully in therapy.

7. Reflect After Your Sessions: After each session with your therapist, spend some time immediately following session where you write down important things that stuck out to your during the session. Maybe it’s something that your therapist said. Maybe it’s a realization that you came to during session. Take a second after your session with your therapist to write down feelings, thoughts, or anything that comes to mind. This can be really helpful because you can bring these things back to your next session and say, “This really stuck with me from last session, I’d like to explore it further.”

8. Communicate Your Expectations: If you have specific expectations or preferences regarding your therapy sessions, don't hesitate to communicate them to your therapist. Whether it's the frequency of sessions, the therapeutic approach, or any other concern, open and honest communication will help ensure that your needs are met effectively. Your feedback is so valuable and is always welcomed by your therapist.

9. Attend Therapy Consistently: It is crucial to attend therapy consistently in order to maximize its effectiveness. Research has consistently shown that therapy tends to decrease in its efficacy when individuals do not go regularly. Therefore, it is highly recommended to be consistent with your appointments and scheduling to ensure that you are receiving the full benefits of the therapy process. By maintaining a regular attendance, you create a sense of continuity and allow your therapist to properly assess your progress and provide you with the necessary support. So, make it a priority to attend your therapy sessions consistently and reap the maximum benefits from your therapy journey.

Remember, therapy is a gradual and individualized process that requires patience, dedication, and perseverance. It's important to understand that true transformation takes time, and there are no quick fixes when it comes to improving your mental health. By incorporating these practical tips into your daily life and fully engaging in your therapy sessions, you will be able to unlock the full potential therapy has to offer. Remember, each person's mental health journey is unique, so it is essential to approach your therapy with an open mind and a willingness to do the work necessary for lasting change. Through consistent effort and commitment, you will be able to make significant strides in your personal growth and experience an enhanced sense of well-being. So, embrace the process, and believe in yourself, as only you have the power to create positive change and lead a more fulfilling life.

About the Author

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and the Owner of Cedar Tree Therapy, a group psychotherapy practice located in Brooklin, Ontario.

Taylor's Pregnancy & Postpartum Story

Taylor is a summer student with Cedar Tree Therapy, currently in the Social Service Worker Program at Durham College. She graciously offered to share her story of becoming a new mother in the hopes that it may help someone. A step mom to two children and new mom to her own baby in her early 20’s, Taylor shares her thoughts on seeking out therapy, the overwhelm of motherhood, and postpartum body image struggles.

My journey as a first-time young mom is probably not very conventional. Firstly, it was completely planned with my partner with whom I had only been with for a few months at the time and secondly, I was lucky enough to have it happen so fast I didn’t even have much time to prepare mentally for the journey I was about to undertake.

Not only was I about to be a mother, but I was already playing the role of stepmom to my partner’s two children at 24 years old, “0 to 3” as I like to say! I wasn’t prepared for any of it if I’m being completely honest. All I knew was that I was going to spend the rest of my life with my partner and everything that came with it.

The hormones took me by surprise at first, being that I was the first in my family and first of all of my friends to have a baby, my mom was the only one that could give me any real advice. My moods were so unpredictable, and my anxiety became increasingly worse during the second trimester. With both my partner and I working shift work and having no set schedule with my step-children things were starting to weigh heavy on my mind. What would we do for day-care?Would we have any time left for our relationship? Our off-days with the kids will turn to on-days all the time!

Once our beautiful “ours baby” came into the world my anxiety took a back seat for a little while. Although it was the toughest thing I had ever done in my life, it was so incredibly empowering, rewarding and my favourite experience I’ve ever had with my partner. Arriving back home however, I think that’s where a lot of the anxiety starts for most new mothers. I was very lucky to have my partner, he was the primary caregiver when it came to his own children and had far more experience than most dads. He’d laugh when I’d say “Ok what do I do now!” when it was something that came like second nature to him. It seemed crazy to me that for most new parents they were just expected to take this tiny little human home with them and figure it all out as they went.

When it came to my anxiety, a lot of it stemmed from wanting to be back to my old self so quickly. I was lucky enough to be very active my entire pregnancy my partner often commented that it didn’t even seem like I was pregnant if it weren’t for the beachball on my belly. Waddling around the house in a diaper, however was not something that I had planned on. Whether it’s my age, or just on the society we live in as a whole I felt the pressures of the “snap back” culture. My belly was squashy, and instead of being proud of what my body had just done I was way too concerned with getting back to the way it was before. I was learning to breastfeed around the clock and was completely sleep deprived. There’s a saying “sleep when the baby sleeps!” but it was a little unrealistic as I had a two- and eight-year-old running around the house as well as foolishly trying to complete 6 college courses with a new-born. I was in over my head.

Although I never struggled with postpartum myself, it quickly became apparent to me why so many mothers suffer with their mental health during the months following giving birth. You wake up, someone needs you. Didn’t snap back fast enough? They’re judging you. Bath time. Dinner time. Laundry, again. It never actually ends.

Is it really a surprise we as new mothers are struggling with our mental health? We’re completely neglecting our own needs and feel we just do not have time to make ourselves a priority anymore! Some mothers feel they need to dedicate 100% of their time to their family, but if we’re not taking care of ourselves, we’re not being the best versions of ourselves and therefore not showing up for our family in the best way we’re capable of. My advice? ASK FOR HELP! I enjoy getting my hair and nails done, and just because I’m a mom now, doesn’t mean that has to become a thing of the past. I plan time for myself in advance and ask my partner or family for help. Sometimes even just having a mommy day on the calendar that month reminds me that I am just as important as all of our other 100 to-do’s on there too!

For me, the hardest part was learning to be a new mother while learning to be a stepmother. Basically, when you’re a stepmom, you’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. If you’re acting like their mom, you’re over-stepping, and if you’re not, you don’t care enough. Now try to juggle the complexities of parenting with your partners ex, when you and your partner would like to raise the kids a certain way but have no control over what the kids are doing or not doing half of the time. When you’re a new mom you have hopes and dreams about the person your child will become and what kind of household you want your baby to grow up in. A blended family means that your child cannot be promised to spend Christmas morning with their siblings or have regular Thanksgiving traditions because half the family is not home for it. This is something I am struggling with and quite honestly, I can’t confidently say I’ve come to terms with the idea of it. In one breath, all I want is a normal family that can have these things but in the other, I would not have this beautiful family if that was the case.

The thought of going back to work gave me severe anxiety. I was losing sleep worrying about who I was going to leave my perfect baby boy in the hands of. Due to the custody arrangement between my stepchildren and their mother, my partner and I do not get to choose where we live. This means we do not get to live close to my family and ultimately do not get those benefits of having their help for things like child-care. Not only did I move away from my family, but ultimately, I moved away from all of my friends and my life as I once knew it. There were so many changes taking place at once. How was this fair? Why does my baby have to go to daycare because of where your ex chooses to live? These thoughts would keep me up at night and I knew something needed to be done about it before this resentment carried onto my partner.

I once thought that therapy was reserved for those who have been through some type of trauma. It wasn’t until I was completely overwhelmed and in over my head that I thought to myself, ok what have I got to lose? I started looking for resources to help me and stumbled upon a couple podcasts and blogs that led me to a really awesome stepmom community. What a lot of these women had in common was their advocacy on therapy and seeking mental health support. After my first session, my body felt lighter. The relief I felt was so intense, I’d actually have to take a shower following my sessions because of how badly my body was sweating! I had realized that talking about my emotions instead of keeping them to myself felt invigorating. By saying things out loud, I was making connections to feelings and behaviours and relating it back to how I had been living my life. I learned that therapy is not only for those who have suffered trauma, it’s for those who want to be the best versions of themselves.

The thought of being selfish is often a fear most new mothers have when it comes to the idea of making their mental health a priority. I want to tell you that it’s ok to be “selfish” sometimes if that means taking care of yourself. I’m not a professional, I’m honestly not even that experienced but what I am, is real. I’m a real mom, who falls short from being perfect every single day. I’m going to keep getting disappointed when it comes to my co-parenting dynamic with my partners ex, and I’m going to get too overwhelmed with being a mom, a stepmom and a wife from time to time, but that’s ok. Working on ourselves is not a job that can be completed because we’re constantly evolving, changing and hopefully growing! When you make a mistake, learn from it instead of beating yourself up. Recognize your own triggers and work on being proactive instead of being reactive. Lean on your support system when you need them and celebrate the small victory’s when you can. You’re doing great mama, you got this.