Dealing With Difficult Family Members During the Holidays

The holiday season often brings up a complex mix of emotions. For some, it represents joy, connection, and celebration with family and friends. For others, especially survivors of childhood trauma, it may bring feelings of sadness, resentment, anxiety, guilt or loneliness. It might bring up a longing for the picture perfect family holiday that you’ve never had. Maybe your family holidays were okay, but there was always some kind of conflict or tension to dampen the mood and shatter your expectations.

This blog post is for you if you’ve decided that despite the tension and walking on egg shells, you are going to tolerate going home for the holidays (How to make this decision could be a whole blog post on its own!)

This blog post will cover tips for navigating family gatherings that go beyond “set boundaries and practice self care”. While important, at times these tips feel not enough to really help you navigate through these tricky family gatherings. Let’s review some of my favourite practical strategies for how to manage these tricky situations.

Imagine yourself at your family’s dinner table, sat beside your great aunt who is notorious for her fat phobia and diet culture commentary. You’ve been working in therapy to accept your body and disentangle yourself from society’s idea of the ideal body. You think you might make it through dinner without any mishaps, when suddenly, your great aunt says to you, “Do you really think you should be eating that?”

Here is where you have a choice. You can allow those few words to take you out and undo all of the hard work that you have been doing. Or, you can hit your aunt with this question.

“What do you mean by that?”

Said in a genuinely curious way, this is one of my favourite strategies for dealing with these sorts of inappropriate, passive aggressive comments. This questions typically takes the asker by surprise and forces them to think about and explain what they really mean. If your aunt’s comment was asked as a way to shame your body, she is now being forced to spell out her intentions to you and everyone at the table in why she asked this. Typically, not wanting to make themselves look badly in this process, you will receive a grumbling “Oh, nothing” in response. Putting her on the spot may stop her from making future passive aggressive comments to you. These types of people like to stay under the radar. Remember, keep yourself calm and composed while openly and politely confronting your relative.

Remember that your great aunt is trying to upset you with these comments. By having a big reaction to them, you are giving her what she wants. Keeping calm, cool and collected is the best way to keep yourself out of the game she is trying to play.

Now, let’s be clear. This strategy is best used for those passive aggressive comments, those backhanded compliments, and those statements that are sly manipulations that might even slide under the radar of your other, less observant family members. If a family member is verbally or emotionally abusing you, I would not suggest this strategy. Speak with your therapist to make a plan to help keep you safe.

If you’re interested in more tips for dealing with difficult family members over the holidays, click the link below where I cover an additional bonus tip in my video on Instagram Reels.

About the Author

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and the Owner of Cedar Tree Therapy, a psychotherapy practice located in Brooklin, Ontario. Dana uses evidence based treatment modalities to treat anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder and disorder eating and complex family relationships.

The Vicious Cycles of Depression

Depression is a common mental illness that can severely impact a person’s ability to complete the tasks they need and want to do. It is characterized by persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and a lack of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyable. It can affect how a person thinks, feels, impacting one’s ability to engage in their usual daily tasks. These devastating symptoms of depression can lead to significant impairment in functioning at work, school, at home and in their relationships.

Depression can vary in its intensity and duration, from a short episode to a chronic illness that requires ongoing management. Depression is caused by a combination of genetic, biological, environmental, and psychological factors. Understanding these complexities is essential for effective treatment, which involves psychotherapy, medication, or a combination of both. Early intervention and support are crucial in helping individuals navigate their experiences with depression and interrupt the negative cycles that depression can cause.

Low motivation is a common symptom of depression that can significantly impact daily functioning and overall quality of life. Individuals may experience extreme low energy and motivation, making even simple tasks feel overwhelming or impossible. This lack of motivation often leads to disengagement from activities that were once enjoyable to the person, contributing to a cycle of isolation and worsening mood. People may struggle to initiate or complete everyday responsibilities, such as tasks at work or school, engaging in basic social interactions, or struggle with completing simple self-care and hygiene tasks, which can make feelings of worthlessness or guilt worse.

One of the most impactful symptoms of depression is that change that occurs in a person’s behaviour. With low mood, comes decreases to one’s activity level. These changes can have profound impacts and change the person who was once active, engaged and upbeat to someone who is isolated, withdrawn and struggles to take care of themselves.

A vicious cycle is created when these feelings of low motivation and fatigue are paired with decreased activity levels. As your activity level decreases, you start to stop doing the things you once loved and enjoyed, leading to fewer opportunities to experience positive emotions. This, in turn, perpetuates the feelings of depression, allowing the depression to persist and be maintained.

Physical symptoms of depression, such as fatigue and disrupted sleep patterns, also play a significant role. Lack of energy can reduce motivation to engage in self-care or seek help, while poor sleep can worsen mood and clear thinking ability. As a result, individuals may find it increasingly difficult to break out of the cycle. Additionally, people with depression may experience difficulty concentrating or making decisions, leading to decreased productivity at work or school. This decline can trigger feelings of inadequacy or failure, reinforcing negative thought patterns and perpetuating the cycle.

Depression often creates vicious cycles of inactivity that make the person’s mood worse and prolong recovery. One aspect of the treatment of depression that is critical is addressing and interrupting this cycle through increasing activity levels. This evidence based treatment for depression is called Behaviour Activation and comes from the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy model. When we engage in activities that are pleasurable, it increases our chances of experiencing positive emotions, allowing for increased motivation, confidence and energy. This is one of the ways to break out of the vicious cycle of depression.

Understanding these vicious cycles is crucial for addressing depression effectively. Therapy interventions for depression, such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), can help individuals identify and challenge negative thoughts, interrupt the vicious cycles of depression, and gradually re-engage in life again.

About the Author

Dana Etherington is an Occupational Therapist, Psychotherapist and the Owner of Cedar Tree Therapy, a group psychotherapy practice located in Brooklin, Ontario. Dana used cognitive behavioural therapy along with other evidence based treatment modalities to treat anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and disorder eating.